What is it like to be a grand misfit?

    

     My venture into music is nothing short of an unrealistic dream. But I did get it started. 6 months, 2 updates or rather 3 on Facebook. I did something, went to two places, embraced what came up to me or chose it myself with no clue where it would take me. Albeit I chose it because, first thing, it is a safe place to venture because people will be civilized since they came from disciplined background, regardless of their quality, IQ, EQ, exposure, talent et al. If I'm going to keep focussing on safety or the posh quality of people to learn from, I will end up underlearned. Not that I invite to be used in a degrading way but yes, here on I'm going to focus on the down-on-earth, neighborhood, my own people's relatable talent. I'm sure it is a healthy way to learn. With the well struggled yet unimpacting two updates on Facebook to spare, I have only grown to go back to my old days. Same job, same updates and a fair realization of how nobody gave a fuck about me. Not enough impact, zero powerful, attention received but quickly faded away into a puff. Ordinary people, maybe not, those who learnt the tricks, grown, wisened up, stretched their minds either themselves by accomplishing their own dreams or by tagging themselves along someone who have been accomplishing, either way they've clearly grown; cut-to-the-chase, they're mentally strong, posh, resourceful, social et al, well off and taking up the current trends and spotlight. FUCK THEM. Enough FUCK about them.

          I've grown on social platform, exposing myself, embracing all the western music, news, updates, acquainting myself with the western people, lifestyle and culture. This guy who clearly fell for me because of the only real update I ever put out - my pictures - were trashy, local and relatable clearly started getting pissed off because my mind was nothing local, native and relatable. Not sure if I genuinely loved the western culture due to the fact that I was influenced since childhood or that my local influence started diminishing because of my retreating trait since adolescence or perhaps I hated my mucky life filled with embarrassment because my family is nothing normal, that I started to look out as a mere form of escapade. It could be any of the reasons above, I am clearly in my community, right now, till now, a grand misfit. Oh yeah. Also I'm not alone. For whatever cosmic reasons, my sun sign says or my birth month says, I'm academically and socially average. Either of them would've helped me but they didn't. I'm 25 and i have this one friend, ONE, who seemingly is the only person who understands me, through and through. She reads my mind besides the fact that I completely trust her with my whole life.

             As Graham Moore said in his Oscar winning speech, I vow to myself to never give up. I may not identify myself  with or understand normal people who think I'm weird or that i'm simply acting out because they had a normal upbringing with normal family, unlike a traumatized one like mine. But there is a right place for me with all the right people in it for the right reasons. Even when I didn't get want my heart craved for, my real mind is pushing me in the direction of the life I truly deserve. Once I get there and look back, perhaps then I'll realize why all these happened. Even with my incurable anxiety, I will get that golden opportunity that will catapult me to that place. Yes I am getting there because I don't see this ending any other way. The fear in itself shall catapult. I will make to it and I promise I will not die. Because THE puzzle is never complete without me. And I'm going nowhere. Nope, not escaping, not running away. I'm staying right here and doing it. Hell with your opinions.